For once and for ALL!

“[A]t bottom, and just in the deepest and most important things, we are unutterably alone, and for one person to be able to advise or even help another, a lot must happen, a lot must go well, a whole constellation of things must come right in order once to succeed.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Writing for public consumption is demanding tremendous vulnerability from me. And now I am beginning the process of co-authoring a book for publication with my first small yet significant deadline a week away. To do this, I must be willing to risk the exposure that sharing my thoughts and stories will bring. The book is on the topic of friendship! Likely the most challenging and intimate of issues for me is that of loneliness and solitude. Or perhaps, more precisely, the tension between the two. A tension which has deeply impacted my ability to be in relationship with other human creatures; to experience, enjoy, and sustain friendship.

For those who don't know me well, I may seem self-sufficient as much as anyone can. At least that's my hope! It's probably best if you don't shatter my self-delusion. Since I was a teen, I have prided myself on appearing fiercely independent while secretly nurturing a deep desire for companionship. My family's myth is that I've been independent since I no longer needed my diaper changed and that my first full sentence was "I do it myself". Yet, my mantra as a child was "Take me where there are other boys and girls!" That paradox is a tension in which I have lived my life for decades. I'm pleased when people see me as a loner, independent, strong. I brag about having been able to go to movies or out to eat on my own since I was quite young. I have, on numerous occasions, claimed that Simon & Garfunkel's I am a Rock is my theme song (as if the pain and irony of the song is actually lost on me). I'm embarrassed when someone sees a crack in the carefully constructed armor that is my mask. When people sense that I'm lonely or in need of relationships, I kind of flip out. I don't want pity, but I do want to be seen and known by a few people (shhh...don't tell anyone).

Growing up with such a desperate desire for intimate friendship juxtaposed against a solitude that reinforced my façade of self-sufficiency has marked my relational style and personality in profound ways. With this as a foundation for all of my friendships, my mindset has been that I am a failure at relationships. We are often creatures of self-fulfilling prophecies. I tell myself that I suck at math, thus my math skills are quite pathetic. And, I tell myself that I am incapable of sustaining intimate relationships and such has been the case. So, what business do have I writing a book about friendship? It seems none, yet I know that I am actually not alone. Consider the book a travel guide from one who has gotten lost and been found.

The last man with whom I was romantically involved perceived me as in need of no one and found that appealing. He was struck by my ability to be in relationship without being in need. WOW!!! Was he ever wrong! I am in deep need. I want so badly for someone to care for me enough to see through all of that, recognize my need, and desire to meet some of it. It doesn't need to be romantic. Friendship is significant and fulfilling to me. REAL, "I've got your back", devoted friendship meets a need in my heart. My life experience has taught me that people leave, or die, or simply stop liking me. Funny, maybe we all suck at relationships and I just thought I had a corner on the market!

Recently, I have come to realize that all of the loss and perceived failure has resulted in my being much more private than I ever realized and incredibly hesitant to truly trust. And yet, I keep believing that someone will stay, will continue loving me...that they would live life with me and not die too soon. In the final analysis, I completely get that human creatures will fail me, and of course, I understand that we are all but dust. I simply wish that I hadn't experienced loss so frequently. I have learned to live with loss, solitude, and loneliness. I cherish solitude more than some; it's the loneliness that breaks me. I want a best friend who remains just that. I wish people didn't move, give up, get tired. I recently read somewhere that if a friendship lasts seven years, it will last forever. Yes, that seems right. I need it to be so and, despite what life has attempted to teach me, I have hope that it is.

Yes, "we are unutterably alone". That is the truth of the matter. However, I just want that "whole constellation of things" to go right for once and for ALL!

Mountain Mover

Psalm 72.1-7; 18-19

Endow the king with your justice, O God, the royal son with your righteousness.

He will judge your people in righteousness, your afflicted ones with justice.

The mountains will bring prosperity to the people, the hills the fruit of righteousness.

He will defend the afflicted among the people and save the children of the needy; he will crush the oppressor.

He will endure as long as the sun, as long as the moon, through all generations.

He will be like rain falling on a mown field, like showers watering the earth.

In his days the righteous will flourish; prosperity will abound till the moon is no more.

Praise be to the Lord God, the God of Israel, who alone does marvelous deeds.

Praise be to his glorious name forever; may the whole earth be filled with his glory.

Amen and Amen

Written for University Baptist Church's annual Advent Devotional (December 6, 2013)

Mountains are majestic! Everest, McKinley, Kilimanjaro, Rainier! Climbers, cyclists, and adventurers are drawn by their challenge and power. The greatest thrill I ever experienced on my bike was tackling Clingman's Dome, a Cat 1 climb, in the Smokies. Mountains take our breath away literally and figuratively, but they also overwhelm and defeat us. The view from the top is indescribable, but traversing or ascending them is daunting, physically demanding, and even deadly. Moving them? Unthinkable!

Hebrew and Christian scripture includes the word mountain, or some form of it, 576 times. The Psalmist indicates they bring good, however there are many instances in which readers encounter mountains of doubt, danger, and destruction. Abraham took his beloved son Isaac to Mount Moriah to sacrifice him in obedience to Yahweh. Mark indicates that if our faith in God is sufficient, we can move mountains. And Luke prophesies that believers will be able to call upon mountains to provide for their protection.

Mountains are complicated not unlike the One who created them. This is as it should be. God takes our breath away; he provides our ultimate protection; he can undo us like nothing else; and he demands sacrifice we often find ourselves incapable of making. Have you prayed to the King that created mountains to move the ones you face? It takes courage, boldness, and faith. Do it! Watch the God of Israel do marvelous deeds. If you believe the obstacles in your life cannot be overcome, they may not be. However, if you cling to the One who moves mountains and beg him to do so, you may end up more breathless than when you gaze upon the vast expanse. Name your mountain. Seek the Mountain Mover. He crushes; he endures; he does marvelous deeds. "Praise be to his glorious name forever; may the whole earth be filled with his glory."

Beauty

Basically a little addendum to the Truth and Beauty post.  I wrote this on Sunday, September 29, 2013.

The MOST remarkable thing happened to me this morning. The woman taking my order at Starbucks looked up from her register to acknowledge me and spontaneously exclaimed "You are beautiful! Do you know that? You are absolutely beautiful!" NOTHING like that has EVER happened to me. Total stranger. Day made!!!!

Why don't we notice the breathtaking beauty in each person whom we encounter? Why don't we risk speaking words of truth and generosity when we do notice? May I take note of each person whose path I cross. May I see all people as striking creations of the Most Beautiful One who are worthy of affirmation and, in fact, possibly desperate for it.

Truth and beauty.

“Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength.” ― Sigmund Freud

Dallas Half Marathon - December 2012

I received a Facebook message from a former student that read: "You look incredible, and my goal is to look that awesome at my 25th reunion!! You continue to be an inspiration". This was, for me, the culmination of many comments and compliments that I have received during the past year. It was Homecoming weekend at my university and, along with enjoying the opportunity to see many former students, I also participated in my 25th class reunion. As a result, I encountered a significant number of people who I haven't seen in years as well as there were a number of pictures posted on Facebook of me with friends and students at the weekend's events. I am striving to best navigate the affirmation along with the odd and sometimes awkward comments I receive regarding the changes I have made in how I present myself publicly. I'm learning to be slightly more comfortable responding and attempting not to deflect all of it. I have taken action and made choices that have impacted my physical appearance. No one told me I ought to do so or even suggested that such changes were necessary. I consistently seek to improve; to be my best in all quadrants of my life. However, I didn't see my appearance as an area that I wanted to change. It seemed easier to deflect attention away from my appearance. I'm not unlike many women in that I struggle with body image and perceptions of self as well as the tension between outward beauty and inner substance. My best friend has been privy to each step I have taken, challenge I've faced, and risk I have welcomed over the past year. She has helped by going shopping with me, responding to random texted pictures from outlet malls and department stores, and by offering fashion and relationship advice. However, she has done much more, and it is that much more for which I am most grateful this year.


Jennifer's care, love, friendship, and belief in me have been the true difference makers in this season of my life. She created a space in which I could experience the courage to act and the belief I was lacking in myself through being authentic, honest, and genuine. This has required her to sacrifice her time and energy of which there is precious little to spare along with her willingness to trust, be patient, and love unconditionally. I want to acknowledge her with each compliment I receive. When someone points out what I'm wearing, I regularly respond with self deprecating humor that I have a personal shopper and no actual fashion sense of my own! My desire to credit her care for me is why I share so many of those words of affirmation that I receive with her. It's not because I feel unworthy of them or that I didn't make my own choices to grow and improve. I am willing to take credit for being who I was, who I am, and who I am becoming. Nevertheless, I need to acknowledge the transformational role that Jennifer's friendship has played in my arrival at this particular place in my life. It is a picture of true friendship to me. But, it likely doesn't look like what some might assume.  Jennifer McQuade and I may make for unlikely friends in the eyes of some.  But, I continue to be surprised by God's love as he directs us towards the relationships that will make us more like Him.


I want to share this publicly because this wasn't my goal. The "looking incredible"; the compliments; the appearance. I want people to understand that improved health, holistic wellness, and care for oneself should be at the center of any health and fitness goals; not the number on the scale, the image in the mirror, the compliments offered by friends or strangers. If my appearance has improved or been transformed in the process, that's added blessing and joy. I want others to understand that while Jennifer did play a significant role in how I perceive myself, she didn't tell me that I needed to dress better or wear make up or change my image in order to be her friend.  Even she was shocked when I started wearing pink!  Anyone who knows me well, knows that I would flatly reject such suggestions and the person making them.  Friends make a powerful difference in our lives.  They can help us to make radically positive changes in our lives and self perceptions or they can stunt our growth, damage our self esteem, and even contribute towards regression. I've read a number of studies that statistically demonstrate that individuals with friends who are overweight are significantly more likely to be overweight themselves.  Peer pressure rarely seems to work to our benefit! However, Jennifer was able to spur my growth without requiring it of me. She is a pusher, but that push continues to come with great empathy and kindness.  

VHA Musical Gala - October 2013

Sharing this demands vulnerability. It may be challenging, difficult, or even offensive for some to hear. Jennifer may not care for the attention. Nevertheless, I want to express my gratitude for this year, for change, for friendship. It is my desire in doing so to urge others to love themselves well and to love others transformationally. Be vulnerable. Be honest. Look for the best in your friends and then push them to be better. Celebrate their growth rather than stifling it. Oscar Wilde said, “Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success.”  Thanks be to God for a friend who can do both.

A life of gratitude.

It's November. Facebook is all a-flurry with daily expressions of gratitude. Some are light, frivolous, and humorous expressions while others are deep, heartfelt, and vulnerable. Of course, expressing one's many thanks to God, the cosmos, or those most cherished can be inspiring to others and healthy for the individual. I enjoy reading what my many friends, colleagues, and students share. I anticipate those moments when I might be recognized for my contribution to someone's life. I think about posting. I do. However, I struggle with the idea as well. The reasons are complex and many, but primarily it has to do with a daily practice that I now keep.


Five years ago I began keeping a journal with daily entries. I was challenged to do this by Dr. Karen Longman, Professor of Higher Education at Azusa Pacific University. I have been privileged to sit under her teaching on several occasions including at the CCCU Women's Leadership Develop Institute at Cedar Springs Retreat Center in upstate Washington. She shared a practice she maintained of ending her day reflecting on the three best or good things that had occurred in her life on that day. I'm sure my practice has evolved over these five years to become something of my own making. I maintain this habit as I want to live a life of gratitude and focus upon the many blessings in my life rather than those aspects of it that most challenge me. The top of each page in my journal is currently headed with "Thanks Be to God. Today's Blessings...". I delineate the three blessings of my day. I have done this daily without exception other than for one month. This was the month immediately following my cycling accident. It wasn't that I didn't have MUCH for which to be thankful, but rather had difficulty with routine, clarity, and simple daily activity.

I value the past. I anticipate the future. This daily discipline not only gives me a record of the past, but also enables to focus on the beauty of this day. I am intrigued that the journal entries can often be easier to make on the harder days. The light seems to stand out in the darkness. Generally pleasant days are wonderful, but the beauty doesn't pop like it does when life is ugly. Regardless, I maintain this as a daily practice. And...on occasion,  I read past entries. At times, those entries inspire me and give me clarity and understanding. Other times, I find myself saddened by the loss of people for whom I cared or the memory of a particularly difficult or lonely period in my life. I love to look back and see when a friendship actually started. There are ways this journal keeping is not unlike my obsessive logging of each run and bike ride I complete. It keeps me honest. I can spot growth and decline. I also imagine people for whom I care reading these entries after I'm gone. I wonder what they will think of me. Will they be surprised, challenged, inspired, disappointed? I'm not sure. Perhaps they will experience all of these responses.

I want to live a life of gratitude. I never want to take the blessings in my life for granted any more than I want to allow the challenges that I face to prevent me from finding joy and experiencing growth. In Matthew 5.35, Christ says "for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the righteous and on the unrighteous". That concept has done much to inform my theology and shape my worldview. I'm no more deserving of blessing or curse than any other creature. If this is the case, it challenges me to live with gratitude for all that occurs. In Philippians 4.12, Paul echos this truth when he says, "I know what it is to have little, and I know what it is to have plenty. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being well-fed and of going hungry, of having plenty and of being in need". He says this in response to expressions of concern by the church at Philippi and concludes with the oft quoted statement that he is able to do all things through the strength of Christ. I am challenged to be both grateful and content by God's word. At various times, I have found both to be quite challenging. However, I want to live my life as a daily expression of thanks to God and to be content with my circumstances even as I strive to improve my own life and the community in which I am placed.

With what is remaining of this month, I plan to post some entries regarding those things for which I'm most grateful and the ways that God is working in my life through them.  I hope to challenge myself and others as well as to celebrate the gifts that I am experiencing.

Thanks be to God.