Doubt

I have always struggled with doubt.  Some people accept that while others are disturbed and want to "fix me".  I have tried to explain it to my mom by saying that "faith for me is the fact that I believe in the face of all of my doubts."  I love the passage of scripture that says, "I believe, help me in my unbelief.".

This morning while running I listened to Krista Tippett's 2007 interview with Jennifer Michael Hecht (author of Doubt:  A History) on the topic of doubt.  I found the interview fascinating, affirming, and thought provoking.  Of course, for me...doubt doesn't end in disbelief.  It simply means that I have many unanswered questions.  While Hecht does not believe in a higher being or even an intelligence behind the universe, she values this tension between faith and doubt.

Ms. Tippett: Jennifer Michael Hecht's book is Doubt: A History. As an example of doubt integrated into faith, she quotes the church father Saint Augustine from his fifth-century treatise The City of God. He wrote, "Nobody surely doubts that he lives and remembers and understands and wills and thinks and knows and judges. At least, even if he doubts, he lives. If he doubts, he remembers why he's doubting. If he doubts, he has a will to be certain. If he doubts, he thinks. If he doubts, he knows he does not know. If he doubts, he judges he ought not to give a hasty assent. I love this being and this knowing. Where these truths are concerned, I need not quail before the academicians when they say, 'What if you should be mistaken?' Well, if I am mistaken, I exist." From Saint Augustine's City of God. 

I find that I need to believe that there is a Creator who loves me, listens to me, and has a purpose for my life.  I question much but the essentials are essential to my existence.

Spring Break...

Well...I'm about to wind down so I can get a solid 8 hours of sleep before driving to Arkansas in the morning.  Tomorrow I will race in the Hell's Kitchen Road Race for the third year in a row.  I feel more anxious than I ever have.  I'm not sure if I can handle the climb this year and they have changed the race requiring the Cat 4 Women to climb it twice!  Guess I'm going to have to latch on tight to my mantra:  "You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  It seems everyone else believes in me, but me.

I'm ready to be back from Arkansas and enjoy the week.  While I will workout and train, it will also be a pretty chill week.  Three days off work and two days working on upcoming projects in the office.

On Thursday, I have a chance to go hear President Obama speak in Cushing with Barbara.  I hope that works out.  Ironic that I heard Candidate Obama speak in OKC on Spring Break in 2007 w/ Abby Jeffers and Ashley Walker.  I liked him, but thought he was a LONG shot to be President.

I will end the week with my first duathlon of the season.  I LOVE March in Okarche!  It will be the fourth time for me to compete in it and the first on a time trial bike!  I'm hoping to compete well and the forecast look really wonderful.  I would love to win the masters division, but the competition is pretty steep so my age group may be my best bet.

All I know for sure is that I really needed this break / change of pace.  I'm hoping to do some cooking, organizing around the house, and take care of some errands that I can't find time for when I'm working all day every day.

Here's hoping the week is all that I hope for...

Getting started...

I guess I struggle with starting a "paper" as much as my students claim.  I have spent several days gazing at the blank / empty blog page.  Not sure what I will end up doing with this, but I'm starting so that's something.

My third season of racing begins this weekend.  It feels strange and I don't feel ready.  My first season was filled with the anticipation of the unknown.  My second season was filled with the sense of recovering and overcoming my injuries sustained from being hit by a truck on a training ride at the conclusion of my first season.  I'm still battling physical and mental challenges from that event, but I'm not sure how to feel about this season.  I've spent significantly more time running in the past six months that I have previously.  I'm not sure how that is going to impact my season.

I have planned to take on a significant number of major challenges from late April to early June.  I'm not certain if my body is up for all of them, but I'm committed and moving forward.  More on those later.

For now...it's time for sleep.
Mon