Four years ago.
TODAY.
I lived.
Undeservedly. Remarkably. Miraculously. Painfully. Changed. Not without fear, anger, and frustration. But, most importantly, with gratitude.
However, today, I continue to grieve the deaths of those who didn't.
- My father who I lost 32 years ago.
- My grandparents. Especially the recent loss of my father's mother, Velma Mullins, on July 26th.
- And...in the most raw and recent of days, the death of a friend and colleague. I grieve my own loss of Kristen yet more so I ache for the loss experienced by her daughters, her best friend, her husband, her students. That I mourn all the more.
I lived. Undeserved. But true. For now. For this moment.
In these four years, I have experienced deep pain both emotional and physical; unexpected disappointment in myself, in God, in others; uncomfortable anticipation and fear for what the days and years ahead might hold.
Yet...there has been undeserved JOY!
How do I measure these four years? In all of its context, its history, its joy, and in PEOPLE! In LIFE undeserved and yet given by God with unmerited favor and grace.
In these four years, I have lost cherished friends to death, misunderstanding, abandonment, and apathy yet I have gained the very friends most needed for these days. I have encountered an entire four year cohort of remarkable students who have walked the hill we call Bison. I have been absolutely transformed by the deep and unconditional love that three children have innocently bestowed on me. I have loosened my death grip on cycling and embraced running. I have walked the streets and dirt paths of Uganda and gained friends from around the globe.
Yet, every day...even in the most mundane of moments...God has simply shown up and added to the life I LIVE and LOVE. That's more than can ever be measured.
What the days ahead hold for me, I do not know. I simply know that God holds each moment. That, my friends, must be enough for me.
Perhaps, one of the most challenging truths I struggle to embrace is that God gives. AND God takes away. I completely get that the sun shines on the righteous and the evil as does the rain fall on us all. I can accept that. It's the loss I find so difficult to survive. I would rather be hit by a truck. And, yet, TODAY provides me with a beautiful reminder that even in the loss, there is LIFE.
There are pains...and, it's not that I don't consider them. It's simply that I woke today knowing that I am alive.
My friend, Kristen, is gone from the lives of so many to whom she was a vital presence. She left behind beautifully brilliant daughters, devoted friends, a Beloved spouse, nurturing parents, a faithful sister, and many confused and grieving students both past and present. So, today, in her honor, I thank God for LIFE. For breath. For one more day. For my students and friends and family. May I live in such a way that my gratitude is effervesent.
How do I measure these four years? In all of its context, its history, its joy, and in PEOPLE! In LIFE undeserved and yet given by God with unmerited favor and grace.
In these four years, I have lost cherished friends to death, misunderstanding, abandonment, and apathy yet I have gained the very friends most needed for these days. I have encountered an entire four year cohort of remarkable students who have walked the hill we call Bison. I have been absolutely transformed by the deep and unconditional love that three children have innocently bestowed on me. I have loosened my death grip on cycling and embraced running. I have walked the streets and dirt paths of Uganda and gained friends from around the globe.
Yet, every day...even in the most mundane of moments...God has simply shown up and added to the life I LIVE and LOVE. That's more than can ever be measured.
What the days ahead hold for me, I do not know. I simply know that God holds each moment. That, my friends, must be enough for me.
Perhaps, one of the most challenging truths I struggle to embrace is that God gives. AND God takes away. I completely get that the sun shines on the righteous and the evil as does the rain fall on us all. I can accept that. It's the loss I find so difficult to survive. I would rather be hit by a truck. And, yet, TODAY provides me with a beautiful reminder that even in the loss, there is LIFE.
There are pains...and, it's not that I don't consider them. It's simply that I woke today knowing that I am alive.
My friend, Kristen, is gone from the lives of so many to whom she was a vital presence. She left behind beautifully brilliant daughters, devoted friends, a Beloved spouse, nurturing parents, a faithful sister, and many confused and grieving students both past and present. So, today, in her honor, I thank God for LIFE. For breath. For one more day. For my students and friends and family. May I live in such a way that my gratitude is effervesent.
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