The frequently misquoted words of Sally Field upon winning the Oscar in 1984 for Places in the Heart are suddenly ringing true for me.
It's impossible for me to innumerate the times I have said "I don't need you to tell me that I did a good job; I just need you to ask me to do something." I have told supervisors that I don't need their words of praise or thanks. In fact, I'm extremely uncomfortable when anyone compliments me professionally or personally; privately or publicly. I have had to work hard not to deflect words of affirmation when they come. Imagine my response when the person who knows me best recently said that she thought my "love language" was "words of affirmation"! However, I now think that all of this may be a case of "the lady doth protest too much".
I'm a doer. I have an inner drive to be productive; to achieve. I have struggled with guilt over taking vacation days. If my friends, colleagues, or students are hurting, I NEED to DO something. I value hard work, long hours, and to do lists. Rest is a challenge for me in my profession, my fitness, my life. I get tremendous personal satisfaction when I'm asked to do something. When I was asked if I would allow my name to be on the deacon ballot at my church, I had to deal with this challenge. I receive affirmation by being asked to serve and, in this circumstance, that was not the right reason to serve. I needed to know that God was calling me to this role. I wrestled with myself and prayed to God and talked to a dear friend. In the end, I was ordained and am humbled to serve my church in this fashion. Nevertheless, ask me to speak at your event, serve on your committee, meet with your friend, help your student, teach you something...THIS is my love language. As a result, I convinced myself that I did not need to be verbally affirmed.
My mother has always been extremely frugal with praise. I have said this is why I'm so generous with it. I love to encourage my students in even the smallest of victories. Due to the death of my father when I was young, I find it incredibly important to tell the people for whom I care most what they mean to me and tell them frequently. I never considered that I was so liberal with my praise of others because I was craving it so much myself. I know that my mother is proud of me, but it has always been difficult not to hear it directly from her. Now that she is consciously trying to offer it, I don't know how to respond. I never learned to do so.
Words matter! And, to me they matter more than almost anything. I just didn't realize the particular words that I needed in the depths of my soul. I thought I knew myself really well. I'm introspective and self-analytical to a fault. I've taken tons of personality inventories both serious and comical. I'm the campus "StengthsQuest Guru" for goodness sake. How could I have missed something so significant in my own psychological make up? I've spent my entire adult life denying myself the expression of love that I actually need in order to breath, experience joy, and find affirmation. I'm seeing it everywhere now. I'm still a doer, but it's in the asking that I find the affirmation more than in the actual doing. May I now learn to receive and cherish all of those words in grace and humility.
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