For once and for ALL!

“[A]t bottom, and just in the deepest and most important things, we are unutterably alone, and for one person to be able to advise or even help another, a lot must happen, a lot must go well, a whole constellation of things must come right in order once to succeed.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Writing for public consumption is demanding tremendous vulnerability from me. And now I am beginning the process of co-authoring a book for publication with my first small yet significant deadline a week away. To do this, I must be willing to risk the exposure that sharing my thoughts and stories will bring. The book is on the topic of friendship! Likely the most challenging and intimate of issues for me is that of loneliness and solitude. Or perhaps, more precisely, the tension between the two. A tension which has deeply impacted my ability to be in relationship with other human creatures; to experience, enjoy, and sustain friendship.

For those who don't know me well, I may seem self-sufficient as much as anyone can. At least that's my hope! It's probably best if you don't shatter my self-delusion. Since I was a teen, I have prided myself on appearing fiercely independent while secretly nurturing a deep desire for companionship. My family's myth is that I've been independent since I no longer needed my diaper changed and that my first full sentence was "I do it myself". Yet, my mantra as a child was "Take me where there are other boys and girls!" That paradox is a tension in which I have lived my life for decades. I'm pleased when people see me as a loner, independent, strong. I brag about having been able to go to movies or out to eat on my own since I was quite young. I have, on numerous occasions, claimed that Simon & Garfunkel's I am a Rock is my theme song (as if the pain and irony of the song is actually lost on me). I'm embarrassed when someone sees a crack in the carefully constructed armor that is my mask. When people sense that I'm lonely or in need of relationships, I kind of flip out. I don't want pity, but I do want to be seen and known by a few people (shhh...don't tell anyone).

Growing up with such a desperate desire for intimate friendship juxtaposed against a solitude that reinforced my façade of self-sufficiency has marked my relational style and personality in profound ways. With this as a foundation for all of my friendships, my mindset has been that I am a failure at relationships. We are often creatures of self-fulfilling prophecies. I tell myself that I suck at math, thus my math skills are quite pathetic. And, I tell myself that I am incapable of sustaining intimate relationships and such has been the case. So, what business do have I writing a book about friendship? It seems none, yet I know that I am actually not alone. Consider the book a travel guide from one who has gotten lost and been found.

The last man with whom I was romantically involved perceived me as in need of no one and found that appealing. He was struck by my ability to be in relationship without being in need. WOW!!! Was he ever wrong! I am in deep need. I want so badly for someone to care for me enough to see through all of that, recognize my need, and desire to meet some of it. It doesn't need to be romantic. Friendship is significant and fulfilling to me. REAL, "I've got your back", devoted friendship meets a need in my heart. My life experience has taught me that people leave, or die, or simply stop liking me. Funny, maybe we all suck at relationships and I just thought I had a corner on the market!

Recently, I have come to realize that all of the loss and perceived failure has resulted in my being much more private than I ever realized and incredibly hesitant to truly trust. And yet, I keep believing that someone will stay, will continue loving me...that they would live life with me and not die too soon. In the final analysis, I completely get that human creatures will fail me, and of course, I understand that we are all but dust. I simply wish that I hadn't experienced loss so frequently. I have learned to live with loss, solitude, and loneliness. I cherish solitude more than some; it's the loneliness that breaks me. I want a best friend who remains just that. I wish people didn't move, give up, get tired. I recently read somewhere that if a friendship lasts seven years, it will last forever. Yes, that seems right. I need it to be so and, despite what life has attempted to teach me, I have hope that it is.

Yes, "we are unutterably alone". That is the truth of the matter. However, I just want that "whole constellation of things" to go right for once and for ALL!